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About Literature / Hobbyist Premium Member ArianaFemale/United States Groups :iconalldaaccepted: AlldAAccepted
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Deviant for 5 Years
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ShiyaHawk's Profile Picture
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
USA Language Level stamp4 by Faeth-designStamp: German Language Intermediate by MafiaVampJP Language Level stamp2 by Faeth-designSpanish lang2 by Faeth-designGAMER Hardcore STAMP by Faeth-design

Current Residence: New Jersey...unfortunately and we do NOT act like those morons from that disgusting television show.
Favorite genre of music: Anything that is not rap, hip-hop, country, or heavy metal.
Favorite style of art: Don't really care. If I like it than I like it. End of story.
Operating System: Windows 7 and 8
Shell of choice: :iconfearmeplz:
Skin of choice: :iconfeelingfreeplz:

Favorite Characters: Shayera Hol/Hawkgirl, Bruce Wayne/Batman, Wally West/The Flash, John Stewart/Green Lantern, Dex-Starr and most of the Red Lanterns, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, and a lot more that I don't have room to mention.

Fears: I have an extreme fear of zombies and needles. I also have a fear of spiders and snakes. I absolutely do not handle horror movies well. I'm also sorta kinda scared of the dark (as in pitch black darkness).

Randomness Time: :icontarddanceplz: :iconpineappletardplz: :dummy: :iconawedanceplz: :iconwoootplz: :icondummydanceplz:

No More

Journal Entry: Fri Oct 24, 2014, 9:22 PM

There isn't any particular way to address this subject. So I am just going to come out and say it. And I know it may not be seen as having any place on this site but seeing as how someone has inquired advice (gods know why someone would ask me), I figured this is as good a place to address it as any other. Also, you don’t have to read if you don’t want to. I decided to make a post seeing that the person wants to remain anonymous and that I will respect their wishes. I also want to help others like us. I hope this isn't coming too late for others like us.

Take a deep breath, cause here we go:

Abuse is abuse.

There is no gray area, no exceptions. Mental or physical. Both are hazardous to an individual and even mass health. You are a beautiful individual who deserves to be treated as one. Never let someone tell you otherwise. I know it might seem like I am another distant person who has no idea what I’m talking about, but trust me, I do.

It has taken me awhile to somewhat come to terms with what happened to me, and I am now able to come out of my hiding with pride. Pride I believe I was always meant to have from the beginning. You guys will be the first to hear my story.

My father used to beat the shit out of me. Every time I went to his house for his weekend visitation right, every other Friday-Sunday. He would physically and emotionally abuse me. It started with a shove, then a slap, a softball "accidentally" thrown at my mouth. He finally escalated and threw me across a room and into a chair when I was thirteen. You know what I did about it? Nothing. I lied to my grandmother when she asked where the bruises came from. I had told her his Rottweiler jumped on me and made the chair break under me when I fell back onto it. All because I was so scared of him. I regret not telling her. I still haven't. What's the point? That was seven years ago. We can't charge him now.

It got worse from there. He would punch me. On my chest, my ribs, my shoulders, my back, my stomach...all places that no one could see but never hard enough to break any bones. He placed them where the bruises were hidden. So that they could be our little secret.

At the same time he threatened me constantly. That he would beat me within an inch of my life if I told anyone. He regularly made it his agenda to humiliate me and degrade me. It was his ultimate thrill. He loved to see me sobbing either in pain or from him bullying me. I have extremely low self-esteem issues for a reason; I have no sense of self-worth because of him. That started when I was five and lasted until I was seventeen, the last time I ever saw him. I sent him a letter writing him off but that still doesn't bring me closure. I can still remember what he did to me. I'm still afraid of him.

But I’m a survivor. I may be scarred and broken...but I am not shattered. I am me. I am still here and I hope that, one day, I'll be able to love and trust people again.

For the longest time I felt like it was all my fault. I made excuses for him. I even apologized. I apologized for not being a good enough of a daughter. I apologized to him. For what? No victim should ever have to apologize for what is happening to them. And that’s what we are. We are the victims. But now we are also the survivors.

And I am praying, to whatever higher power there may be, that you guys are always going to be here, along for the journey of life with me. If you are being abused, mentally and/or physically, please seek help. It doesn't matter if you think, “I’m sure people have it worse than me.” Abuse is abuse, no matter the “degree.” Look at me. I never sought treatment and look at how messed up I am. I'm an angry, depressed bitch who hides her true personality constantly. Sometimes it makes me sick to see this fake me that I present to others.

Don't be like me; I'm prideful and won't open up to a therapist but you can. Reach out to someone, anyone. I may have never met you face-to-face but I care about you. You are special to me. I know it may seem dark and terrifying to face this darkness alone but I promise you that you’re not alone. There are others like you and me.

It’s not your fault and you should be able to live a life without that fear in the pit of your stomach. Without that sense of guilt that follows you around for something that isn't your fault.

We are strong. We are free. There are people that still love us. We are survivors.

So please, join me.

Love you with all my heart,


P.S. I’m sorry how deep this got.

  • Mood: Miserable

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